(Re)defining

A few months ago a friend asked me what I would do differently when I go back to Burkina this time around. At the time (I’m sorry to admit) I acted as though I hadn’t been thinking about it much and so it was a hard question to answer. In reality it was hard to answer because I’d been thinking about it a lot.

When I begin to process and decide on things I will change a small switch goes off in my head and somewhere a play button in my memory is pushed: still snapshots, slow motion movies and snippets of conversation come together to form a well rehearsed segment that rewinds and plays forward until I press stop.

This is the amalgamation of painful memories I have brought with me from Burkina. It usually starts with an image of the face of a child I wish I showed more love. Somewhere in the middle is a slow-motion, film-style memory of a man I met and had an opportunity to bless but, I was so wrapped up in myself in that moment that I missed the opportunity. Nearer to the end of the segment there is the soundtrack of a conversation in which I had an opportunity to use my words to undo hurt, and chose instead to stay quiet.

This segment of memories represents the regret I brought home from Burkina. For a long while, although I couldn’t verbalize it, I thought admitting I hold onto regret was somehow admitting failure. Perhaps, I thought, regret was demonstrative that I had not achieved something I was supposed to in Burkina. After a while though, I began to recognize the fallacy of this assumption. The fact that I was allowing myself to decide I wish I’d acted differently was proof that I had taken something away from the situation- as painful as it might be. I think failure would be if I came away having learned nothing.

There are moments, although fewer now, in which I still slip into guilt over these memories. Mostly though, I don’t allow myself to dwell on this regret, but I do allow it to take a productive form (rather than the unproductive component of guilt) by allowing it to help me decide what I want to do differently.

I want to put into action the lessons that I’ve learned from these painful memories: lessons that are hard to explain because they are so bound-up and tied to my heart.

This time around there are things I will endeavor to focus on that I didn’t so much last time, and things I will endeavor to not focus on that I focused on too much last time. There are ways in which I hope my heart has been changed (and will continue to change) so I can love more and give more. All of this towards the goal of living more selflessly; more like Jesus.

I struggled with a way to sum this all up because it seems like a heavy subject. Maybe then, I should tell you how excited I am by this. Although it’s not an opportunity to redo things, it is an opportunity to put into action the things I learned where I learned them. While I don’t believe the lessons I learned are restricted to Burkina there is something special about being able to return with these thoughts on my heart and mind.